There is nothing more rewarding than helping families as a unit. I enjoy helping families communicate better, understand difficult patterns, and help them heal together from a major loss. I help family members recognize how important they are to each other, express what they need from each other and how to transition to new life stages (i.e. going off to college). I validate experiences and gently help people express themselves constructively. Many therapists shy away from family therapy because they fear the conflict or it is difficult for them to stay neutral. I have a natural ability to tolerate conflict and help manage it. Plus, I never over-identify with the child or with a parent. These are skills I have and I use them well. What is most rewarding is to observe a family come together and express their love for each other genuinely. As a therapist, I will only be in people's lives temporarily but families will be with each other long-term. Obviously, clients need to trust and feel comfortable with their therapist in order to heal. However, it is more therapeutic when people learn to connect better with the important people in their lives.
I remember working with a family, a grandmother and two adolescent children. The children were grieving the loss of their mom and the grandmother was grieving her daughter. I met the family a few months after her death from lung cancer. The grandmother suffered from depression and from physical ailments that prevented her from being mobile. In addition, the grandmother and the kids did not always get along well. I made home visits to this family and I worked with them individually and together around their grief and family issues. The week before the one-year anniversary of their mother's death, I brought the family together to discuss what each person's expectations were for the day. The son talked about his need for quiet and need for space. The daughter talked about her wish to look at old photographs together. They thought about visiting the grave together, something they hadn't done since the funeral a year ago. They also agreed they would like to do a ritual together to commemorate their mother's death, such as lighting a candle and saying a prayer. Each family member had different needs and expectations. With my help, they were able to talk about different options and come up with a compromise.
The following visit, two days after the anniversary, I checked in with the family about how their day went. They all said the day went well; they supported each other and gave each other the quiet and space they needed to mourn. They also followed through with all of their plans of lighting a candle and looking at photos. Also, they visited the grave, which was challenging due to the grandmother's mobility limitations, but it was important to all of them. Because they thought it through ahead of time, they got the necessary help and it went smoothly. They thanked me for helping them acknowledge the importance of that day and for assisting them to mourn together peacefully and supportively.
--Pam 8.28.07
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
poem on loss
This poem was given to me by the Chaplain at orientation for the hospital volunteering. I really liked it and it speaks to my philosophy on loss:
Dont' tell me you understand.
Don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive,
That I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is a test,
That I am surely blessed,
That I am chosen for this task,
Apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers,
That can only come from me.
Don't tell me my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgement,
Of the bounds I must unite,
Don't tell me how to suffer,
And don't tell me how to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your love,
Unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say "My friend, I care."
Dont' tell me you understand.
Don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive,
That I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is a test,
That I am surely blessed,
That I am chosen for this task,
Apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers,
That can only come from me.
Don't tell me my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgement,
Of the bounds I must unite,
Don't tell me how to suffer,
And don't tell me how to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your love,
Unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say "My friend, I care."
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
No Day But Today
In the years 2001-2003, I worked at an agency called The Family Center. This was an organization that targets families with a parent who is terminally ill. (www.thefamilycenter.org) It served some families suffering from Cancer and other illnesses, but 80% of the families served by The Family Center had a parent with HIV or AIDS. The early 2000’s was a time when HIV/AIDS was still on the frontlines of social issues. There was a tremendous amount of funding for HIV/AIDS related medical and social programs. Also, it was all over the media: on the evening news, in well-known magazines like Time and Newsweek, and it was in several Hollywood movies and TV shows at the time. It is still a very important issue, but with all the new advancements in medication and treatments, more people are living longer and healthier with the virus in the United States, and it appears less on the front-page news.
During this era, I was lucky to be in New York City and young in my social work career to gain valuable experience with families affected by HIV/AIDS. One major topic I discussed with HIV clients is their identity, and how it changed once they learned they contracted the virus. They discussed their overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. I once asked a client to draw all of the parts of her that make her who she is. She wrote that she was a woman, a mom, a wife, but an overwhelming percentage of her identity was her HIV positive diagnosis, which she kept secret from most of the world. Many clients kept their diagnosis hidden; including from their bosses, their friends and their children. I helped my clients decide if they should disclose, or if remaining private about this stigmatized disease was the best choice. It was never an easy decision.
One of the most powerful tools I used to help clients who feel marginalized was a therapy group with other moms who were HIV+. In the safety net of a group, the women could get together and discuss their worries, feelings of isolation and shame and take comfort that their fellow group members were experiencing similar feelings. As peers, they gave each other advice and support and respected the bounds of confidentiality. This group of women became a tight network and in the 3 years I worked there, I observed them maintain that bond long after the formal group sessions ended.
One of my favorite memories of The Family Center was when I was given the chance to take these women to see the musical “RENT”. All of the women had lower incomes and never been to a Broadway show before. This play is set in the mid 90’s in downtown Manhattan. It is about a group of young people struggling with poverty, drugs, and lessons of love and loss. Several of the characters are HIV+ and one dies of AIDS. One of the major themes of the play is to live and love, despite fears of loss. The finale song “No Day but Today!” illustrates that. I vividly remember looking over at my clients as they watched the play, seeing them so engaged, and seeing the tears roll down their faces as they watched the characters mourn the loss of their friend. As the group leader, my clients' collective experience gave this show a new dimension for me. I’ll never forget that experience, nor will I forget those women who gave me the rare opportunity to let me know their real strengths.
--Pam 8.15.07
During this era, I was lucky to be in New York City and young in my social work career to gain valuable experience with families affected by HIV/AIDS. One major topic I discussed with HIV clients is their identity, and how it changed once they learned they contracted the virus. They discussed their overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. I once asked a client to draw all of the parts of her that make her who she is. She wrote that she was a woman, a mom, a wife, but an overwhelming percentage of her identity was her HIV positive diagnosis, which she kept secret from most of the world. Many clients kept their diagnosis hidden; including from their bosses, their friends and their children. I helped my clients decide if they should disclose, or if remaining private about this stigmatized disease was the best choice. It was never an easy decision.
One of the most powerful tools I used to help clients who feel marginalized was a therapy group with other moms who were HIV+. In the safety net of a group, the women could get together and discuss their worries, feelings of isolation and shame and take comfort that their fellow group members were experiencing similar feelings. As peers, they gave each other advice and support and respected the bounds of confidentiality. This group of women became a tight network and in the 3 years I worked there, I observed them maintain that bond long after the formal group sessions ended.
One of my favorite memories of The Family Center was when I was given the chance to take these women to see the musical “RENT”. All of the women had lower incomes and never been to a Broadway show before. This play is set in the mid 90’s in downtown Manhattan. It is about a group of young people struggling with poverty, drugs, and lessons of love and loss. Several of the characters are HIV+ and one dies of AIDS. One of the major themes of the play is to live and love, despite fears of loss. The finale song “No Day but Today!” illustrates that. I vividly remember looking over at my clients as they watched the play, seeing them so engaged, and seeing the tears roll down their faces as they watched the characters mourn the loss of their friend. As the group leader, my clients' collective experience gave this show a new dimension for me. I’ll never forget that experience, nor will I forget those women who gave me the rare opportunity to let me know their real strengths.
--Pam 8.15.07
Friday, August 10, 2007
introduction/my recent volunteer experience
Hello! I've decided to start a blog on my website. I wanted a forum to give updates, express my professional experiences, ideas and insights. Also, for those considering me as your therapist, this blog may help you get a sense if I would be a good fit for you and your family.
I have lots to share in these blogs! I've had vast experience working in different settings including schools, residential treatment centers, a community-based organization, and now I have the freedom to be on my own. I've grown tremendously from each place and would love to write about it.
In addition, I have recently begun volunteering at El Camino Hospital. Each week, I visit the medical floor where mainly Cancer patients stay. It is wonderful program led by the Chaplaincy of the hospital. The Chaplain, Reverend Maryellen Garnier, is an incredible woman who has a gifted ability to really be present with people while they are struggling with illness and loss. She leads a special program of spiritual healing. What I like about this program is the multicultural philosophy of being open to all different beliefs. The volunteers bring their kindness and openness to help patients and families feel hope while they cope with illness. I participate in this program as a member of the community, not as a therapist, but I feel the experience is making me a stronger therapist. Personally, I am not a very religious person and religion has not been a central part of my lifestyle. However, for the first time, I've been asked by patients--young, old, male, female, different race, class and cultures--to hold their hands and pray that they get better, that they get through a certain surgery or procedure, that their families stay strong, that they can enjoy more days of sunshine, etc. I was very uncomfortable doing this at first, as I don't pray on a regular basis. However, to join hands with a person and bring them hope is an amazing feeling. More importantly, it is not something I would have done on my own if I hadn't been stretched to do it.
Although, my time there is not all so serious! With patients I talk about the weather, celebrity gossip, living in NYC and other topics. Once I had a playful argument over the Mets vs. The Yankees. (Of course the Yankees are cooler!) One day, I had an extensive conversation with a woman about our cats. She missed her 2 cats at home very much since she needed to stay at the hospital. I told her all about my young feisty kitten at home. From one cat lady to the next, we had a connection.
So every Tuesday afternoon, I meet new people working hard at healing. It's a humbling experience and I enjoy being more connected to my community. (If anyone is interested in joining this program, call 650.988.7568)
Thank you for reading my thoughts, I will continue to write about old and new experiences here on this blog.
--Pam 8.10.07
I have lots to share in these blogs! I've had vast experience working in different settings including schools, residential treatment centers, a community-based organization, and now I have the freedom to be on my own. I've grown tremendously from each place and would love to write about it.
In addition, I have recently begun volunteering at El Camino Hospital. Each week, I visit the medical floor where mainly Cancer patients stay. It is wonderful program led by the Chaplaincy of the hospital. The Chaplain, Reverend Maryellen Garnier, is an incredible woman who has a gifted ability to really be present with people while they are struggling with illness and loss. She leads a special program of spiritual healing. What I like about this program is the multicultural philosophy of being open to all different beliefs. The volunteers bring their kindness and openness to help patients and families feel hope while they cope with illness. I participate in this program as a member of the community, not as a therapist, but I feel the experience is making me a stronger therapist. Personally, I am not a very religious person and religion has not been a central part of my lifestyle. However, for the first time, I've been asked by patients--young, old, male, female, different race, class and cultures--to hold their hands and pray that they get better, that they get through a certain surgery or procedure, that their families stay strong, that they can enjoy more days of sunshine, etc. I was very uncomfortable doing this at first, as I don't pray on a regular basis. However, to join hands with a person and bring them hope is an amazing feeling. More importantly, it is not something I would have done on my own if I hadn't been stretched to do it.
Although, my time there is not all so serious! With patients I talk about the weather, celebrity gossip, living in NYC and other topics. Once I had a playful argument over the Mets vs. The Yankees. (Of course the Yankees are cooler!) One day, I had an extensive conversation with a woman about our cats. She missed her 2 cats at home very much since she needed to stay at the hospital. I told her all about my young feisty kitten at home. From one cat lady to the next, we had a connection.
So every Tuesday afternoon, I meet new people working hard at healing. It's a humbling experience and I enjoy being more connected to my community. (If anyone is interested in joining this program, call 650.988.7568)
Thank you for reading my thoughts, I will continue to write about old and new experiences here on this blog.
--Pam 8.10.07
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